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My Red Pontiac Firebird – Babe Magnetic With an Attitude Problem
Before I talk about my Firebird, let me mention that I once owned a brand new Pontiac Fiero. It was black and spicy, sexy and fresh. I felt like a super hero as I raced down the street and flew around corners. But I had problems with that car; In short, I couldn’t drive, eat a donut, and change shifts all at the same time. This really bothered me. But the car never broke down. Of course, it only had 30,000 miles on it before someone used it as target practice for terrorist training, crashing their car into it and totaling it. I knew a terrorist was doing it because no one else would accidentally crash into the back of a parked car. So, at the age of 22, I ran to my Pontiac dealership and bought what I really wanted in the first place: a Red Pontiac Formula Firebird! Imagine my grin from ear to ear as I pulled out of the lot with the 8 cylinders humming, a box of donuts at the ready and my automatic transmission doing the shifting for me.
It was a very fast, bright red car that could be seen as ahead for at least 135 miles. I knew it would appeal to the kids. As I was driving home, I thought I might finally be able to get a girl to talk to me now that I had this cool car. I remember the excitement when I ran out of gas after that first tank. I was waiting for this day. I would have to stop at the gas station where I would have to calmly and sexily remove myself from my man-o-musk metal outerwear so that all the women could longingly admire me, the owner of this fabulously sexy magnetizing machine.
The first ten times I got out of the car, the girls didn’t look at me much. I thought nothing of it. I was on the edge and on top of the world. I thought they were just being shy like me. I lived out my fantasy for many stops later. I even stopped to fill up every 5 gallons to improve the odds of admiration. More than 100 stops later the results were found; no lady looking Adding insult to injury, 15 of your kids were always coming up to me to say something like, “Dude, how many horses does that baby have under the hood.” Okay, so it took me another ten years to figure out that I would need something like a BMW, Mercedes, or other expensive car to get women’s attention. I learn life’s lessons very slowly.
Anyway, the reason for this story has nothing to do with how hot I am, but rather mechanical problems with my Firebird. Sorry it took so long to get here. I tend to ramble. Long story short, one morning my Firebird had developed an attitude problem revolving around a sleep disorder. In other words, he wouldn’t wake up. The owner was pronounced clinically dead at the scene.
So I towed my 60,000 mile Babe Mobile to my neighborhood franchised garage and they had a deal for me. They could replace my starter motor with a rebuilt part and save me some money on the repair (instead of using new parts like the dealer wanted to do). It comes with a brilliant 90-day warranty. I thought the original part lasted 60,000 miles and 4 years, the rebuilt one would probably last at least half that.
So about 91 days later I was towed back to the shop with the same attitude problem on my car. The shop manager thought we got the car’s attitude right the first time, and the failed starter must have been just a fluke. So we agreed to put another rebuilt starter motor in it. Yes, I went back to the same store another 92 days later. I think we may have put a new one in that time, but I don’t really remember (bad memories are blocked by the brain after the trauma gets bad enough).
So now a little tech talk about why this might have happened. Remanufactured parts usually have a 90-day warranty and fail much more often than remanufactured parts or new parts. In the process of a rebuilt part, they generally clean, test, and replace what needs to be replaced, but nothing else. Think about it for a minute. You’re only fixing what actually broke, not necessarily the design or assembly flaws that may have caused the failure in the first place.
You can also go with a remanufactured part where you discard all the wear items, test the rest, resurface all relevant surfaces, replace all the discarded wear items, and test the final assembly. In this case, you are definitely improving your odds of staying on the road longer. These parts will fail much less often than rebuilt parts and are generally guaranteed for 12 months and 12,000 miles. Of course, you could go the full Monty and buy a new part and also get a 12 month 12,000 mile warranty and (probably) get the best results.
Now that I’ve helped you understand the tech talk the guys in the store give you when they list your options, please note that I have little to no good advice about women in general. But this story should help you with this little problem I had driving a Pontiac Firebird. You see, today my wife is smarter than me and she is also much more beautiful than me. And you guessed it. I met her long after the firebird was buried.
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