How Much Milk Does My 3 Month Old Baby Need Ferrets: Better Than Babies?

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Ferrets: Better Than Babies?

Can’t afford a Lexus? Get a Honda. Don’t have time for delivery? Digiorno. There are many times when we have to make substitutions for things we might want. After all, this isn’t Plato’s world of ideal forms or Mr. Roger’s land of make-believe, it’s reality, a place where sometimes you have to settle for second (or third or fourth) best. My wife and I have discussed the pros and cons of becoming parents several times, but we still haven’t committed: not enough room, too much debt, not enough income, not enough job stability. Besides, there’s just too much shit, not enough freedom, too much stress, etc. etc etc What do we agree on? Well ferrets of course. It was a relatively easy decision to make and it’s easy to make intelligent comparisons between babies and ferrets. So I was wondering: are ferrets a legitimate substitute for babies?

Obviously, the human species has a great physical and psychological need to reproduce and this is satisfying for a number of different reasons. Obviously, a ferret doesn’t elicit the exact same kind of emotional reaction from a mother as when she looks at her biological child. Nor can you teach your ferret to play the French horn and have the opportunity to shine with great pride at his first concert. No, there are a lot of things a ferret can’t do for you. Still, there are some things ferrets can help if you just don’t have the money, time, or desire to get into parenthood. Here is a list of ways ferrets provide reasonable substitutes for human babies.

1. Baby Poop:: Ferret Poop

If you just love cleaning up poop but hate dealing with all the diapers, restless legs and deafening cries of the common baby, a ferret may be for you. Ferrets defecate as much or more than human babies, but you don’t need to change their diapers, you don’t need to smell their accidents, and you never need to potty train them when they get older. .

2. Babies sleep :: Ferrets sleep

Babies are cute when they sleep, however, that’s only compared to the hell they looked like when they were awake. Ferrets are also adorable while they sleep. They make little nests in your laundry, snuggle up, stick out their tongues and stretch out in a capital U shape. Also, they become cuter when they wake up for the first time. Instead of screams and smells, you experience deliciously precious yawns and stretches. To top it off, ferrets sleep between 16 and 20 hours a day, which means they’re cute for up to 83% of the day! WOW!

3. Babies need protection :: Ferrets need protection

Much of the satisfaction of parenthood comes from the pride one takes in successfully preventing a less intelligent organism from committing suicide. Human babies, being essentially useless tubes of flesh during the first years of life, offer maximum opportunities in this regard. Sure, babies can kill themselves by sleeping poorly, but ferrets do some pretty suicidal things too. For example, a ferret will eagerly jump out of your arms to its death if you don’t hold it. A ferret will also ingest a number of indigestible, poisonous and/or dangerous objects if given the opportunity, which makes its keepers feel needed.

4. Babies impress guests :: Ferrets impress guests

If you’re like most parents, you probably feel the urge to rub your baby in everyone’s face after a minor accomplishment like blowing milk bubbles or saying the letter “H.” Ferrets are also phenomenal at letting you pretend you deserve gloating rights. Party tricks are great, and most ferrets can learn to roll over and/or play dead, which will leave your guests in disbelief. Ferrets are constantly begging for treats by jumping on your leg and trying to climb into your arms and knees. This completely selfish behavior is fortunately interpreted as a strong emotional bond between the animal and its owner. “Look”, you can say, “he’ll even lick that ice cream right off my nose!” Follow that with a healthy period of laughs and you’ve made your point.

In closing, pet ferrets and biological children are surprisingly similar. In the long run, you just can’t beat a human baby with a stick. But if you compare the first five years of parenthood spent in a near-manic state of perpetual sleep deprivation and bickering with your spouse to five years as a carefree ferret owner, it makes you wonder: is it possible? Are ferrets better than babies?

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