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DE-FUNKING YOUR LIFE – How Can I Feel Happy, Energetic and Inspired by Life Again?
Hey, we all wake up some days “facing funk”…whether it’s self-imposed funk or accidental funk, we get funk, and that funk feels…feels…in kind of…funky. ..
So, “what are we going to do about it”
Funk is funk…
Funk means heart attack. Yes, that’s right, heart attack. It is either the true heart, or the heart of love, or the spiritual heart.
So when we have funk, it’s a heart attack and if we ignore that, or try to get out of that funk without taking a break, we’re going to escalate into real trouble.
Instead of getting out of the funk, we have to give in to it.
Funk doesn’t last. The funk lasts maybe a day, sometimes a week. During this week, we have to fix the broken heart, and so we have to change a few things.
Let’s take a look… at what we should do when we surrender to da funk…
1. Check Funk Heart Attack physics.
However, in Chinese medicine, all the organs lead to the heart. So even if your anus is sore, it has something to do with your heart. So when the funk is there, it’s a heart attack. Now that we know we are having a heart attack on a physical level, we need to go back to the source.
It’s not tomato sauce, it’s the root source, and it can be kidneys, liver, lungs, arteries, prostate, ovaries (if you’re female only) and more. So the attack to the heart causes the funk, but the attack comes from distant places.
Once I had a heart attack that lasted six months. I did more yoga and went to doctors and they X-rayed my testicles until I glowed in the dark, but they still did more tests. Once they put electrodes on my fingers and shocked me all over my body asking, “Does it hurt?” They should have worked at Guantanamo Bay.
Despite all this testing and the new Lamborghini the specialist got from all my bills, the funk hasn’t gone away. But one day I bent down to pick up a coin and shzzaaaam I had a pain in my body like I was giving birth to the amazing carcass…and I don’t have a vagina…so they m rushed to hospital and there was a kidney stone the size of an engagement ring on the earlobe of a Maasai warrior. He had been attacking my kidney for 6 months and now he has decided to make his way out into the world.
Getting that stone in my urethra was like trying to suck a Biggest Loser contestant through a straw on a milkshake…or even worse, trying to drink a McDonalds Thick Shake through a straw…
After a week on pills that made the world beautiful, even my ex, then they blew this meteor sized rock into little pieces that they asked me to collect in a colander every time I peed for the next two weeks. Well it wasn’t hard to know when to reach the colander, in fact my neighbors could have done it with the screams and screams I went through as pieces of coral slid down Freddie and out of my body. .
Suffice to say that a few months later, there was no funk.
Funk is a heart attack and you know more than one funky day a week is a heart attack. You just don’t know the source… If you’re some guy over 50, check your cholesterol, send a sub to check your heart isn’t blocked, then get a nice doctor to send a finger where fingers usually don’t fit to check your prostate… then, if they can’t find something, look elsewhere, blood tests, etc.
My kidney stones could have been detected but I backed up too quickly.
Once you’ve done an MRI of your whole body, and your whole body…go to step 2.
Step 2. Check Love Funk Heart Attack
From funk is also depression. Depression is a bad word because it’s sort of “stereotypical”… “hey he’s got depression” is akin to “he’s got the plague – stay away, wear a mask”.
So let’s call depression “Love Funk”
For women, this funk is not common. Mainly because most women are emotionally honest (especially those who hate men)…and there are a lot of them…but that’s another topic.
For guys, “Love Funk” can come months and months after a moment of love funk. Like a breakup or bad news like “hey, did you know your wife fucked your neighbor?”…there’s a delayed reaction like an aftershock of an earthquake that can take months or years to surface.
I remember breaking up with a partner a long time ago before I became awake…(just joking)…anyway, that was a while ago. I was hurt but I didn’t even know it. I carried on as if nothing had happened and then I had Funk…Love Funk…about 2 years later.
I went to the doctor and described my symptoms and he suggested that I needed psychological counseling. (which is still true) but that aside, I had Love Funk about a past relationship even though I was happy in the new one. It seems that I hadn’t been so honest with myself and, as my dad used to say, “be tough and be strong.” So there I was, with Love Funk.
I didn’t take the pills, I took the herbs… St. John’s wart… This is the worst brand for an antidepressant I’ve ever heard. Who is St John and why would his warts be better than mine… Anyway, I took those things and then started working on my attachments, wounds, guilt (he there were a lot) and my anger about the whole old relationship. Shit, it’s such a waste of time, but I had Funk and there was no way I was living in the Love Funk world for long.
Step 3. Check Spiritual Funk Heart Attack
Spiritual Funk has nailed me to the wall more times than I care to admit.
Spiritual funk means lost hope for a dream I had about the future.
When I was 17 I wanted to be an AFL football star, I practiced every morning, every night, I slept with a football next to me, I had pictures on my walls and I loved it play football. Then one game I jumped to reach for the stars to take a mark and landed on my bent ankle. He tore the ligaments from the bone. Back in the day, they plastered everything, even snakebites, so all I ended up with was a ligament-bound ankle that couldn’t tolerate rougher terrain than a bowling green. I sprained my ankle over 100 times over the next few years, including in Nepal on treks in the Himalayas. It took five years of yoga to restore my confidence. In other words, my football career was over.
I had the Spiritual Funks and went to the doctor… he said, “You have depression” but I was a hero, a funny, funny guy. No depression for me. But he was right, when my dreams of being a sports hero fell apart, so did I. I had Spiritual Funk.
Years later, after my marriage exploded, and my three children sailed around the world to, as my ex-wife said, “get as far away from you as possible.” So much funk that I went to the top of a cliff to jump…I didn’t want any more funk…I didn’t jump – obviously.
Lots, lots, lots, lots… the people I meet have spiritual funk… You can tell a person with spiritual funk because they feel old, lack luster in their eyes, and are obsessed with what other people think.
Spiritual Funk is bad funk… and to deal with it, we use four substitutes:
Food, alcohol and drugs… We can escape Funk by shoveling food into it, pouring alcohol over it, or transporting our brains away from it. Thus, obesity, drug addiction, alcoholism, diabetes, high blood pressure and colon disorders, etc., can be directly linked to Spiritual Funk… Lost dreams, lost hopes and clinging to the past.
Greed… The poorest man I ever met was the richest. A billionaire who lived in fear of losing him. Greed is not measured in wealth of assets or frugal spending, it is measured in competitiveness, tension, stress and fear.
Sexuality… When all else fails, good luck. It was mass consciousness that saved the planet from extinction for thousands of years. A lot – a lot – most of the sex on the planet happens because there’s nothing better to do…and luckily for us there is, because otherwise we’d run out of people to buy iMac. Clothing, fashion, restaurants, resorts and more all run on Spiritual Funk for an important core business. When the lights go out at the end of the tunnel, people light a match, it’s called sexuality. A match in front of your face makes the light at the end of the tunnel invisible anyway… It’s a nice metaphor…
Spirituality… My friend is married to a man. I feel sorry for him. She meditates 4 hours a day and thinks something big is happening as a result. But really, the spark is gone and his hideout is just being legitimized, legs crossed on the floor, eyes closed, in no-MANS-Land…
My friend is in Spiritual Funk and has been there for 20 years. In the last five years she’s also put on weight so now spirituality doesn’t block the world enough, she eats…god she eats enough to feed a third world country…And then she has a colon …as part of her spiritual cleansing… Recently, her two boys became teenagers, and they are under clinical supervision due to depression…remember my quote from Jung…”nothing ‘affects the child more than the unlived life of the parent?
Ok, so there are three sources of FUNK… all of which affect the heart.
There is the Physical Funk which comes from the body but ends up attacking the heart. This is the first place we have to look if we have The Funk because your body is nature’s bible… it tells you things and it pays to listen.
There’s Love Funk… Emotional stuff that’s gone underground and eats away at your energy… like suppressed anger that becomes depressive. Guilt, shame, blame, victim, anger, jealousy are Love Funk triggers.
There is Spiritual Funk. Spiritual funk is really ugly. And 90% of the world lives in this Funk. It’s dark, desperate, and makes people act, breathe, eat, sleep, fuck, and pray in fanatical and weird ways. You can’t fight Spiritual Funk… if you have it, because a dream got shattered, then it’s high time you reinvented yourself. Pounding your head against a brick wall and feeling sorry for yourself can have an impact, but it’s not what nature intended, and it’s definitely not the path to FREE FUNK LIFE.
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