How Much Should You Weigh At 13 Years Old Boy Self-Sabotage Behavior and the Power of Forgiveness

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Self-Sabotage Behavior and the Power of Forgiveness

There are many things in life that separate us and make us unique, however, over the years I have seen a consistent common denominator; our need to forgive. Regardless of our upbringing, our cultural similarities or differences, or any other circumstance in our lives, each of us has had one or more injuries, pain, sadness or injustice.

Many people use their hurts, pains, sadness and memories of injustice as a hidden secret weapon to sabotage their own success, their relationships, or both. These are good people who will not intentionally hurt anyone, but the inner pain has a strong hold on them that they cannot totally control.

In an effort to illustrate the impact of these negative feelings, I will share two very different stories with you.

A few years ago I met a woman, Tammy (not her real name), who had a very difficult childhood. Her mother left the family when Tammy was only 13 years old, and because Tammy was the oldest child, her father immediately became dependent on her to take on all the duties and responsibilities of the absent mother. Tammy was a child, so she didn’t know, and she didn’t want to be the adult mother of the family, but she loved her brothers and knew that they needed her, so she allowed herself to be pushed into the role of the mother of the family . family

Tammy’s father carried hurt and resentment towards his wife for leaving the family and for having to work very long hours to bring in enough money to support his family as a single parent. Tammy says she knew her father loved her and her siblings, but it hurt that he was always so angry and critical of her. He seemed to expect her to already know how to do all the things a grown mother would do like cooking, cleaning, putting the kids to bed, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. When she did things that did not meet his level of expectation, he scolded her and accused her of abandoning him.

As Tammy grew up and entered the adult world she developed challenging issues in her personal and work relationships. He no longer wanted to live with the impact of these problems so he began working to uncover the menagerie of tangled and ineffective ways he had developed that were sabotaging his success. Tammy began looking back at her childhood and discovered three specific problems with her internal self-motivation system.

First, he realized that although he was a very nice, very friendly person, he only managed to be a controlling parent type personality. This type of personality was effective when he was actually parenting his younger siblings, however, in the adult world, other adults do not want to be controlled, parents and told what to do. The second problem Tammy discovered was that she only knew how to be a critical parent to herself. When he made all kinds of mistakes in his adult life, he only knew how to punish, scold and reprimand inwardly, and regularly told himself that he “leaves people”. And the third problem that Tammy discovered was that she had a very deep sense of anger and sadness about her childhood.

Tammy worked diligently to develop a healthier, more effective internal self-motivation system and a vital part of this process was to forgive. There were many people to forgive; her mother for leaving, her father for putting her in the role of parent and being so critical of her, and herself for not knowing better than to believe her father’s negative and critical words.

The second story is about Jim (not his real name), who had what he describes as “a normal, happy childhood” and yet Jim also had an internal network of ineffective ways of self-management that it always left him feeling like a failure. As Jim delved into his past, he began to uncover the source of his self-sabotaging behaviors. Jim was born in the early 1960s and at that time, it was common practice for the mother of the family to be a full-time mother and not work outside the home. Also, at that time, it was typical for the father of the family to work for a company for 20 to 30 years and then retire at the age of 65. And this was exactly the picture of Jim’s family.

As Jim moved into his adulthood, he fell in love with and married a woman who wanted a family, but also wanted a career outside the home. Jim was not equipped to cope with sharing the daily family responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc., and these differences of opinion eventually led to their marriage ending in divorce.

Jim also admitted to himself that he did not like his chosen accounting field and was very unhappy in his job. The thought of working at this job for 20 to 30 years made him feel physically ill, but he believed it was his duty to stick with the job and career in which he had already invested so much time and energy. Jim had based his entire self-motivation system on an out-of-date lifestyle that was unrealistic for the 21st century. Jim constantly compared his current life to the mental image he had of his “1960” ideal life and it always came up short.

Jim began working to create a more up-to-date and effective mental image of his ideal life and to create new and more effective ways of measuring his success, but there was still forgiveness work to be done. For Jim, it was all about forgiving yourself! He had secretly felt that he could not live up to his previous inner image of what a marriage and family “should” look like, he berated and berated himself regularly and considered himself a failure. .

The work of forgiveness is recognized worldwide as an incredible healing power! According to David Barrett et al, editors of the “World Christian Encyclopedia: A Comparative Survey of Churches and Religions – AD 30 to 2200”, there are 19 major world religions that are divided into a total of 270 major religious groups, and many smaller ones. those. According to this source, more than 75% of the world’s population is a member of the religions of Christianity, Islam or Hinduism, with the remaining population being members of other religions including Judaism and Buddhism. While I have not read the teachings of all 19 major world religions, I am familiar enough with the teachings of the top 5 to know that one thing stands out as a major common denominator; each teaches about the power of forgiveness!

Several years ago, when I began my own journey of breaking free from self-sabotaging behaviors, I was open to trying just about anything that could alleviate my self-inflicted internal torture. One evening, I was attending a self-help course and the course leader said something that reminded me of the teachings of Jesus in the Christian Bible. Having grown up in a traditional Christian home, I remembered that in the book of Matthew, there is a parable of an unforgiving servant who asked Jesus how many times he should forgive a person for sinning against him. Jesus’ response was to tell the servant to forgive seventy times seven. (I’m paraphrasing of course.) After remembering this teaching, I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s 490 times! I wonder if I can forgive 490 times!”

I started writing a list of everything I could think of that made me feel angry or hurt and every person I felt angry or resentful of. (I was shocked at how long the list was.) So I created a forgiveness journal and began my journey of writing “Forgive ___ for ____” for everything and everyone on the list. The journey of forgiveness turned out to be one of the most healing things I have ever done in my life!

Over the years, I have shared the amazing power of forgiveness with many people and I have learned many important factors regarding the forgiveness process that I want to share with you.

First, no one can tell you HOW to forgive. If you need to cry to the sadness of the death of a loved one or the pain of a brutal injustice, let the tears. If you need to curse and swear like forgiving the scoundrel who destroyed your car or Son of a gun who broke your heart – then do so. Just do it your way!

Second, if you are doing the work of forgiveness related to something that feels like an “unforgivable” crime or action that someone forced upon you, please KNOW that forgiveness is not condoning someone’s bad behavior other I once coached a woman who was sexually abused by her father as a child. She struggled with the idea of ​​forgiving, because she didn’t want it to mean that it was okay that he did this to her.

The work of forgiveness is for YOU…not for them. Forgiveness is about removing the negative shit, goop and trash that the offender left behind when they polluted your space. For her, swearing and screaming in her forgiveness journal was extremely cathartic and effective. She left ALL OUT, but always starting with “I forgive you for…”.

And finally, but perhaps most importantly… please, please, remember that YOU are the KEY character in your journey of forgiveness. Some of the most powerful forgiveness work you will ever do will be forgiving yourself! Regardless of the event, most of us blame ourselves in some way for the bad things that happen to us or for the bad things that others do to us – even when it really wasn’t in our control and it wasn’t our fault.

For Tammy and Jim doing the work of forgiveness has created a real magnitude of positive changes in their lives.

Tammy focused on forgiving the people and circumstances of her childhood. As she let go of her hurt and anger, she became more and more comfortable letting others take control of her own work and began to let go of her need to control her friends and family. As a result, her colleagues, friends and family enjoy being around her and she is much more relaxed and happy!

Jim focused his forgiveness work on himself. He spent hours apologizing for all the things he felt he had done to ruin his life and the lives of those around him. As he let go of his hurt and anger, he became more and more relaxed and comfortable just being himself. He let go of his harsh judgment of himself and developed a more supportive and motivating way to move forward when things didn’t go as planned. Jim also took the leap of faith and left his accounting job to work in the manufacturing industry which, for him, is much more interesting and stimulating.

In case you’re wondering, I never got to 490. I was about halfway there when all my internal anger, resentment, and sadness went away! I still use my forgiveness journal for “spot cleaning” so I keep it somewhere safe so I know where it is when I need it. No matter what led you to your own journey of forgiveness, one thing I can promise you is this; Doing the work of forgiveness will improve your life in incredible and wonderful ways!

Are you ready to forgive 490 times? I hope you find joy and happiness in your journey!

Trojan

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